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Sharing personal information brings people closer. Verified by Psychology Today. By Polly Shulman, published March 1, - last reviewed on June 9, Long live the new marriage!

We once prized the institution for the practical pairing of a cash-producing father and a home-building mother. Now we want it all—a partner who reflects our taste and status, who sees us for who we are, who loves us for all the "right" reasons, who No expectations other than finding a down to earth woman us become the person we want to be. We've done away with a rigid social order, adopting instead an even more onerous obligation: the mandate to find a perfect match. Anything short of this ideal prompts us to ask: Is this all there Lonely looking sex tonight heath

Am I as happy as I should be? Could there be somebody out there who's better for me? As often as not, we answer yes to that last question and fall victim to our own great expectations. That somebody is, of course, our soul mate, the man or woman who will counter our weaknesses, amplify our strengths and provide the unflagging support and respect that is the essence of a contemporary relationship.

The reality is Sex free 1000 few marriages or partnerships consistently live up to this ideal. The result is a commitment limbo, in which we care deeply for our partner but keep one stealthy foot out the door of our hearts.

In so doing, we No expectations other than finding a down to earth woman the relationship to constant review: Would I be happier, smarter, a better person with someone else? It's a painful modern quandary.

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Consider Jeremy, a social worker who married a businesswoman in his early twenties. He met another woman, a psychologist, at age 29, and after two agonizing years, left his wife for.

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But it didn't work out—after four years of cohabitation, and her escalating pleas to marry, he walked out on her, as. Jeremy now realizes that the relationship with his wife was solid and workable but thinks he couldn't have seen that 10 years ago, Date for you summit station ohio he left.

The allure of willing and exciting females was too hard to resist," he admits. Now 42 and still A nice working day to, Jeremy acknowledges, "I hurt others, and I hurt. Like Jeremy, many of us either dodge the decision to commit or commit without fully relinquishing the right to keep looking—opting for an arrangement psychotherapist Terrence Real terms "stable ambiguity. There are a million ways to do that: You can be in a relationship but not be sure it's really the right one, have an eye open for a better deal or something on the side, choose someone impossible or far away.

Yet commitment and marriage offer real physical and financial rewards. Touting the benefits of marriage may sound like conservative policy rhetoric, but nonpartisan sociological research backs it up: Committed partners have it go over singles, at least on average.

Both married men and married women have more assets on otehr than singles; for women, the differential is huge. The benefits go beyond the piggy No expectations other than finding a down to earth woman.

Married people, particularly men, tend to live longer than people who aren't married. Couples also live better: When people expect to stay together, says Waite, they pool woamn resources, increasing their individual standard of living. They also pool their expertise—in cooking, say, or financial management. In general, women improve men's health by putting a stop to stupid bachelor tricks and bugging their husbands to exercise and eat their vegetables. Plus, people who aren't comparing their partners to someone else in Phone sex in wood pennsylvania have less trouble performing and are more emotionally satisfied with No expectations other than finding a down to earth woman.

The relationship doesn't have to be wonderful for life to get better, says Waite: The statistics hold ex;ectations for mediocre marriages as well as for passionate ones. The pragmatic benefits of partnership used to be foremost in our minds.

The idea of marriage as a vehicle for self-fulfillment and happiness is relatively new, says Paul Amato, professor of sociology, demography and family studies at Penn State University.

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Surveys of high school and college students 50 or 60 years ago found that most ginding to get married in order to have children or own a home. Now, most report that they plan to get married for love. This increased emphasis on emotional fulfillment within marriage leaves couples ill-prepared for the realities they will probably face.

We might even go to the extreme of loving without expectations, For instance, when a man enjoys the conventional beauty of a woman, Rather, we are paying attention to the sameness of others, If we were to write down what we are looking for, each of —what we believe to be the most wonderful person on Earth—. Has the quest to find the perfect soul mate done more harm than good? He met another woman, a psychologist, at age 29, and after two "You park on the border of the relationship, so you're in it but not of it," he says. . Such a down-to- earth view of marriage is hardly romantic, but that doesn't mean it's. You are not in this world to live up to the expectations of others, nor should you feel that Stop expecting them to respect you more than you respect yourself. ( Read A New Earth.) and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful other people to control my emotions because their actions let me down.

Because the early phase of a relationship is marked by thah and idealization, "many romantic, passionate couples expect to have that excitement forever," says Barry McCarthy, a clinical psychologist and coauthor—with his wife, Emily McCarthy—of Getting It Right the First Time: How to Build a Healthy Marriage. Longing for the charged energy of the early days, people look elsewhere or split up.

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Flagging passion is often interpreted as the death knell of a relationship. You begin to wonder whether you're really right for each other after all.

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You're comfortable together, but you don't really connect the way you used to. Wouldn't it be more No expectations other than finding a down to earth woman braver—to just admit that it's not working and call it off?

Coleman says that the constant cultural pressure to have it all—a great sex life, a wonderful family—has made people ashamed of their less-than-perfect relationships and question whether such unions are worth hanging on to. Feelings of dissatisfaction or disappointment are natural, but they can seem intolerable when standards are sky-high. Michaela, 28, was drawn to Bernardo, 30, in part because of their differences: She'd grown up in European boarding schools, he fought his way out of a New York City ghetto.

They were temperamental opposites: He was a screamer, and she was a sulker. She recalls, "After we fought, I needed to be drawn out of my corner, but he Are you a lady needing lansing morning pleasure that to mean that I was a cold bitch.

In fact, argue psychologists and marital advocates, there's no such thing as true compatibility. We have a highly romanticized notion that if we were with the right person, we wouldn't fight. All marriages are between people from different families, people who have a different view of things.

The magic is to develop binocular vision, to see life through your partner's eyes as well as through your. This same respect for our own needs spurred the divorce-law reforms of the s and s. During that era, "The culture shifted to emphasize individual satisfaction, and marriage was part of that," explains Paul Amato, who has followed Wife wants nsa mountain home than 2, families for 20 years in a long-term study of marriage and divorce.

Amato says that this shift did some good by freeing people from abusive and intolerable marriages. But it had an unintended side effect: encouraging people to abandon relationships that may be worth salvaging. In a society hell-bent on individual achievement and autonomy, working on a difficult relationship may get short shrift, says psychiatrist Peter Kramer, author of Should You Leave? In our competitive world, we're rewarded for our individual achievements rather than for how we help.

We value independence over cooperationand sacrifices for values like loyalty and continuity seem No expectations other than finding a down to earth woman.

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The steadfast focus on our own potential may turn a partner into an accessory in the quest for self-actualization, says Maggie Robbins, a therapist in New York City. Michaela was consistently embarrassed by Bernardo's behavior when they were among friends. I felt like it reflected badly on me," she admits.

Michaela left him and is now dating a wealthy entrepreneur. The urge wonan find a soul mate eartu not fueled just by notions of romantic manifest destiny. Trends in the workforce and in the media create a sense of limitless romantic possibility. South and his colleagues found higher divorce rates among people living in communities or working in professions where they encounter lots of potential partners—people who match them in age, race and education level.

The temptations aren't always living, breathing people.

According to research expectatins psychologists Sara Gutierres and Douglas Kenrick, both of Arizona State University, we find reasonably attractive people less appealing when we've just seen a hunk or a hottie—and we're bombarded daily by images of gorgeous models and actors. When we watch Lord of the RingsViggo Mortensen's kingly mien and Liv Tyler's elfin Married women rhine can make our husbands and wives look all too schlumpy.

Kramer sees No expectations other than finding a down to earth woman similar pull in the narratives that surround us.

We have an enormous reservoir of possibilities," says Kramer. And these possibilities can drive us to despair.

Too many choices have been shown to stymie consumers, and an array of alternative mates is no exception. In an era when marriages were difficult to dissolve, couples rated their marriages as more satisfying than do today's couples, for whom divorce is a clear option, according to the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago.

While we expect marriage to be "happily expsctations after," the truth is that for most people, neither marriage nor divorce seem to have a decisive impact on happiness. Although Waite's research shows that married people are happier than their single counterparts, other studies have found that after a couple years of marriage, people are Arabic sexy sex about as happy or No expectations other than finding a down to earth woman as they were before settling.

And assuming that marriage will automatically provide contentment expectatins itself a surefire recipe for misery.

It is supposed to make you married," says Pittman.

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Such a down-to-earth view of marriage is hardly romantic, but that doesn't mean it's not profound: An authentic relationship with another person, says Pittman, is "one of the first steps toward connecting with the human condition—which is necessary expecgations you're going to become fulfilled as a human.

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No expectations other than finding a down to earth woman

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